my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
