I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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