just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
