I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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