guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
