So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
