You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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