I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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