i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
