My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My vagina just clenched in fear
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
