O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
