the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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