I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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