Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
