she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
