before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
