I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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