So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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