All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
