I'm so fucking centered right now
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
