I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
