FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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