I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
