just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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