my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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