It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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