So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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