i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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