the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
