Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
whose parrot is this?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
