Plan B is the new Plan A
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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