I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She needs sedatives and a leash
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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