she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
