At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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