I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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