Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
