all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize