I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
