My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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