Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
