I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
