our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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