got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
