he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and she was petting her beer can
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
