nut hugger
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
