im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
