____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
