Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He passed out mid-signature
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
