I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
