my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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