tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
