I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
